Published
Many marital disagreements would never have happened if the right question had been asked before the engagement. Getting to know someone seriously is not an exchange of compliments; it is a chance to understand their values, expectations and way of thinking. Below is a practical list of questions, grouped by theme, to draw on during meetings and conversations with your families involved.
Before you start: how to ask
- It is a conversation, not an interrogation. Pick the questions that matter most and spread them over several meetings.
- Go first. Share your own answers too; it invites honesty.
- Listen more than you speak. How something is said matters as much as what is said.
- Notice inconsistencies. Compare what you hear with what their family and people who know them say.
- Keep to proper limits. Talk with a mahram present or with your families’ knowledge, and keep the tone respectful.
1. Faith and values
Religion is the foundation the Prophet, peace be upon him, pointed to when he said: “So choose the one with religion, may your hands be rubbed with dust” (reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim). Useful questions include:
- What place does prayer have in your day, and how do you keep it up at work and when travelling?
- What would you like to grow in your relationship with Allah after marriage?
- What role do you see faith playing in raising children?
- What are your views on hijab, mixed settings and social occasions?
- Where do you turn when you have a religious question?
2. Life goals and ambitions
- Where do you see yourself in five years?
- What are your next career or study plans?
- Are you thinking of moving to another city or country?
- What does a successful life mean to you?
- What would an ordinary day look like for us after marriage?
3. Money and responsibility
Money is one of the most common causes of conflict when it is not discussed openly. These questions can be raised gently:
- How do you manage your money? Are you more of a saver or a spender?
- Do you have major financial commitments, such as debts or supporting family members?
- What do you think about a wife working, and how would her income be handled?
- What do you have in mind for wedding costs, the mahr and the celebration?
- Would you be willing to write the conditions we agree on into the contract?
4. Family and relationships
- What is your relationship with your parents and siblings like?
- How much does your family weigh in on your personal decisions?
- How often do you expect to visit family after marriage?
- What would you do if your spouse and a member of your family disagreed?
- Which family traditions matter to you and would you want to keep?
5. Children and parenting
- Would you like to have children soon after marriage?
- How many children do you hope for?
- What parenting style do you lean towards, and what from your own childhood would you rather avoid?
- What kind of schooling would you want for your children?
- How do you see childcare responsibilities being shared?
6. Living arrangements
- Would you prefer to live independently or with family?
- Which city or neighbourhood do you picture us living in?
- Is a home ready, or still being arranged?
- How do you see household tasks being divided?
- How do you feel about having domestic help?
7. Personality and communication
- How do you behave when you are angry, and how long does it take you to calm down?
- How do you like to be shown care and appreciation?
- What is the one thing you could not tolerate?
- How do you usually resolve disagreements with people you love?
- Which of your habits might others find hardest to live with?
8. Health and the past
These are sensitive, so ask them tactfully or through your families:
- Is there a long-term health condition I should know about?
- Are you willing to do a premarital medical check? It is mandatory in some countries, including Saudi Arabia.
- Have you been married or engaged before, and what did you learn from it?
After the answers
You are not looking for answers identical to your own. You are looking for shared values and differences you can work through together. Talk over what you heard with your family and people whose judgement you trust; the Prophet, peace be upon him, said: “The one who is consulted is entrusted” (reported by Abu Dawud and At-Tirmidhi). Then pray istikharah and make your decision with a settled heart.
How Qabool helps
On Qabool, a member’s profile answers many of these questions before you ever speak:
- Detailed profiles. Religious practice, education, work, wishes about children, living arrangements, willingness to relocate, love language and more.
- Search by what matters and save it. Filter by your priorities, then save the search to be notified of every new matching profile.
- Chat after mutual acceptance. A purposeful space to ask your questions once both sides are interested.
- Family accounts. A guardian can manage a son’s or daughter’s account and follow the conversation personally.
Ask before you decide: register free on Qabool.